I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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