Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
