I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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