Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
