Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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