i just wanna soil my oats bro
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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