forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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