so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
