My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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