I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
smell my finger.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
