All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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