Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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