I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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