i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
