dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
