broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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