Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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