i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
