I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
