I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
3 2 1 whiskey
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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