3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
