hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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