He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
