five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
