Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
