i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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