I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
