turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
