Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
