It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
