if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
