My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
