I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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