I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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