the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
