Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Randomize
