You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
