Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
