and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
