Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
