I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
