Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
handjob tips. give me some.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
