Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
