Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
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Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?