Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
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Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct