You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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