you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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