Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
