i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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