so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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