true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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