Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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