Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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