4 words: hood of his car
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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