And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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