Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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