R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
