So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
